Am I the only one?
Sometimes, when I'm sitting in church on Sunday morning, I disagree.
Sometimes I get downright angry.
And then, I feel like I don't belong.
Like I shouldn't be sitting in the pews with those that have such obvious, fulfilling, and dedicated faith. Like I'm a fraud to sit there and listen to a message but, in my head, question parts of it. To contradict biblical passages.
I've always been a student: I listened to what I was told, wrote it down, studied it, and prepared to be tested on it. But I can't seem to do that on Sunday mornings. I can't suppress the questions that pop up.
This morning someone at church said she felt pulled to pray for Egypt, and my heart leaped because Egypt is so dear to me. But then we prayed "to stand with the Christian Egyptians" and my blood felt as though it were boiling. I wanted to shout, "If they are Muslim are they any less human? Any less worthy of our prayers? What of those that are suffering but have not accepted Christ, do they deserve the pain they are living through?"
But as I looked around, it was clear that I was the only one feeling the pain of that phrase. And again, it made me question what I was doing in church. Does having doubts in the bible make me a bad Christian? Does arguing with the messages given to us mean I am a fake?
I've grappled with this for a long time. It's why I've gone in and out of being part of a church. I want to be genuine, I want to have some of the faith I see in my friends, but my journey has not led me there. I still argue with the bible as I read it, and many of my prayers contain the phrase, "I don't understand. I don't think this is right."
But this is what has changed: I'm not afraid to have my questions.
Faith shouldn't be blind. You don't threaten it by asking questions, you make it stronger.
Sometimes I get downright angry.
And then, I feel like I don't belong.
Like I shouldn't be sitting in the pews with those that have such obvious, fulfilling, and dedicated faith. Like I'm a fraud to sit there and listen to a message but, in my head, question parts of it. To contradict biblical passages.
I've always been a student: I listened to what I was told, wrote it down, studied it, and prepared to be tested on it. But I can't seem to do that on Sunday mornings. I can't suppress the questions that pop up.
This morning someone at church said she felt pulled to pray for Egypt, and my heart leaped because Egypt is so dear to me. But then we prayed "to stand with the Christian Egyptians" and my blood felt as though it were boiling. I wanted to shout, "If they are Muslim are they any less human? Any less worthy of our prayers? What of those that are suffering but have not accepted Christ, do they deserve the pain they are living through?"
But as I looked around, it was clear that I was the only one feeling the pain of that phrase. And again, it made me question what I was doing in church. Does having doubts in the bible make me a bad Christian? Does arguing with the messages given to us mean I am a fake?
I've grappled with this for a long time. It's why I've gone in and out of being part of a church. I want to be genuine, I want to have some of the faith I see in my friends, but my journey has not led me there. I still argue with the bible as I read it, and many of my prayers contain the phrase, "I don't understand. I don't think this is right."
But this is what has changed: I'm not afraid to have my questions.
Faith shouldn't be blind. You don't threaten it by asking questions, you make it stronger.
So, when I run out of questions to ask, when God has given me the answers that I need, I am certain that I will have an unshakable faith. And, in the meantime, if I need to sit on Sunday mornings and do a little mental disagreeing, I will add it to the list of questions I have for God to answer.
I suppose I am thankful for the anger I felt this morning: it let me examine myself and my faith, and has made me stronger in my beliefs.
I hope your Sunday was as thought-provoking or calming as you hoped.
xoxo,
I suppose I am thankful for the anger I felt this morning: it let me examine myself and my faith, and has made me stronger in my beliefs.
I hope your Sunday was as thought-provoking or calming as you hoped.
xoxo,
Camille
Oh Camille. You are not alone in these feelings. I remember one time I read a prayer request at BCM when I used to do it and it said "pray for my friend who is a Buddhist that she would find God." Made me angry. I too was raised in an environment to never question God...until I came to church here and have had that challenged on many occasions. A healthy questioning of God strengthens one's faith...or it has at least mine. :) Good post!
ReplyDeleteThanks love! After church yesterday I just couldn't stop thinking, and writing. And this was what I came up with :)
DeleteCamille you are not the only one who has disagreed with things heard at church. Sometimes I find myself hoping that my face isn't showing what I'm thinking on the inside. I think that questioning and trying to understand things is one of the ways that we grow closer to God. There are things that I still don't understand and sometimes I just have to let it come down to the fact that I don't think we're supposed to know everything. If we were all knowing then we wouldn't have as much of a need for God, in my opinion. Then I try to focus on something I know as truth, like that Jesus died for me and that He loves me, and that's enough :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah :) And I agree, when the questions get to be overwhelming, it's good to focus on the unarguable truths like love and sacrifice.
DeleteAhhh! This post thrills me! I am so so happy that you are not afraid of your questions! The very fact that you have questions means that you are the exact opposite of a fraud - you're quite genuine. This is my favorite post by you.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not the only one.
And, I'm very thankful for you, because you make me examine things that I say and pray. You're right, we should not just pray for the Christian Egyptians but for the Muslim Egyptians too.
I would love to discuss this with you more in person. :) <3
Thank you love, I was surprised by how freeing it was for me to post this, and the positive responses that it got. And I would definitely welcome a further conversation about this, the more I talk about it, the easier it is for me to examine my thoughts. <3
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