In Church faith my experience prayer questioning

Am I the only one?

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in church on Sunday morning, I disagree.

Sometimes I get downright angry.

And then, I feel like I don't belong.

Like I shouldn't be sitting in the pews with those that have such obvious, fulfilling, and dedicated faith. Like I'm a fraud to sit there and listen to a message but, in my head, question parts of it. To contradict biblical passages. 

I've always been a student: I listened to what I was told, wrote it down, studied it, and prepared to be tested on it. But I can't seem to do that on Sunday mornings. I can't suppress the questions that pop up.

This morning someone at church said she felt pulled to pray for Egypt, and my heart leaped because Egypt is so dear to me. But then we prayed "to stand with the Christian Egyptians" and my blood felt as though it were boiling. I wanted to shout, "If they are Muslim are they any less human? Any less worthy of our prayers? What of those that are suffering but have not accepted Christ, do they deserve the pain they are living through?"

But as I looked around, it was clear that I was the only one feeling the pain of that phrase. And again, it made me question what I was doing in church. Does having doubts in the bible make me a bad Christian? Does arguing with the messages given to us mean I am a fake?

I've grappled with this for a long time. It's why I've gone in and out of being part of a church. I want to be genuine, I want to have some of the faith I see in my friends, but my journey has not led me there. I still argue with the bible as I read it, and many of my prayers contain the phrase, "I don't understand. I don't think this is right."

But this is what has changed: I'm not afraid to have my questions. 

Faith shouldn't be blind. You don't threaten it by asking questions, you make it stronger.
So, when I run out of questions to ask, when God has given me the answers that I need, I am certain that I will have an unshakable faith. And, in the meantime, if I need to sit on Sunday mornings and do a little mental disagreeing, I will add it to the list of questions I have for God to answer.

I suppose I am thankful for the anger I felt this morning: it let me examine myself and my faith, and has made me stronger in my beliefs.

I hope your Sunday was as thought-provoking or calming as you hoped.

xoxo,
Camille

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