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Friday, December 13, 2013

Asking For Help

I suck at it.

No, there is no eloquent, beautiful way to phrase my mental inability to request and accept assistance.
I just suck at it.

From a young age, I always had to be able to do everything myself.
Which is why when I climbed to the top branches of the crab apple tree alone at age 8, I had to get myself back down.
 It's why at age 13 I took a 4 day a week babysitting job that required me to be up at 6am and babysit till 4pm.
It's why from age 16 on, I have always worked. Part time, full time, mandatory over time, multiple jobs, food, warehouse work, manual labor, night shift. I had to have my own income and if I couldn't pay for it myself, I generally didn't do it.

Adding onto my absolute need for independent survival, comes the overwhelming shame that comes from having the help you requested thrown back in your face.
Unfortunately, that has happened to me quite a few times, and when it does, it makes my ability to ask for help even harder.

There are few things worse than hearing, "But I did ______ for you, so now you owe me."

I've always worked hard to repay my actual debts, and to do for others without being asked. But the individuals that choose to throw their generosity back in my face and use it against me, well they have ruined me.

So now, even when I do need help, even when I am barely keeping my head above water, I can't ask for help. And unfortunately, the next month or so is going to be one of those tough times.

The comparison my sister and I came to, is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nathan will be working overtime, I will be starting a new job, things will soon be falling into place, but until we get there, we're in for a rough time.

It's one of those times where I may have to fight myself internally and ask for help. Ask and accept help while praying it won't be turned back against me at a later date.

And I realize the things I am complaining about are, in the larger scheme of things, not that big. But right now, at this moment, things just seem stressful and beyond what I can handle myself, which puts me in that scary position of reaching out to others.

xoxo,
Camille