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Welcome to my little haven of creative writing, passionate ranting, and thoughtful learning.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Being Transparent

First, I'm not writing this for pity. I don't expect special treatment. And I'm not writing as a contest of, "Oh you think that's bad, just wait till you hear what's going on in my life."

I'm writing to explain.
To apologize.
And to let those that care about me enough to read my blog in on what's happening.

I realize I've been more snappy, less patient, less reliable, and not as cheerful the past few weeks. The biggest reason is the drama we've been dealing with as we attempt to buy a house.
To put things in perspective, a typical closing takes around 45 days or less.

We went to see the house the day after my birthday (March 23). We put an offer in on it that week. It's nearly July, and it still isn't ours. We honestly, at this moment, do not know whether or not it ever will be.

At this particular moment, we are still jumping through hoops to prove that we are stable and reliable to be worthy of the mortgage. So, we still do not have a set closing date. We still do not know what is going to happen. And living in limbo is not something my personality is suited for.

I spend my days fighting an overwhelming need to control everything. So, to have literally no control over anything that happens in this process has caused an extreme amount of stress. Additionally, since we were told we could close and move in two weeks ago, I packed up my apartment. I have been living out of boxes: finding ways to live around them, feeling disorganized and cluttered, and not knowing whether to unpack or continue packing for over two weeks now.

Again, I'm not writing this for pity, but if I've been short with you in a conversation, not responded to a text or message, or taken things personally that I shouldn't have, it's because I've been living with a great stessor on my shoulders for longer than I know how to cope with.

I wanted to break through the "Everything's fine, check out these cute pictures of my kid!" social media presence long enough to admit that not everything is swimming at the pool and enjoying friend time this summer. I wanted to admit that things are not really okay.

To my friends, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling everyone what has been going on all the time. We literally go from believing everything is fine to believing that there is no way to get the house at least twice a week at this point, and keeping everyone updated seems to just be asking everyone else to be stressed alongside us.

I'm sorry for not being myself lately, but I know that this is only a season and it will pass.

And thank you, if you're reading this, for the grace to let me be honest with where I am right now.



Monday, June 23, 2014

The Creative Process. Sort of.

Delete.

Start again.

To begin a blog post first I must

Nope.

Let's try that one more time.

Do I have a creative process? Hmm, process, what exactly does process mean? Step by step?

Okay,

1.) Stumble upon a topic that hits my heart.

2.) Feel all the feels and mentally dialogue about it in my head. This happens a lot during the morning shower.

3.) Start typing phrases, words, arguments, quotes, and chaos.

4.) Delete approximately half of what I just typed because it doesn't sound right.

5.) Take what's left and refine it.

6.) Walk away. For an hour, a day, a few weeks.

7.) Return and think, "hmm, this doesn't sound half bad."

8.) Polish up, adjust spacing, then hover over the publish button long enough to run through the possible objections.

9.) Post.

It's not a pretty process. It's not an exact science. And for every post I publish, there are two drafts waiting for me to return to and three that end up deleted because they just aren't right to me.

But it's my process, and I've embraced it.

What does your creative process look like?
Link up with Victoria to share it!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Challenge or Defeat?

It's not a secret that running is one of my favorite ways to work out.

It's right up there with swimming and Refit. Which is why I usually go for a run 5-6 days a week.

But this morning was a little different. Normally when I run on the college track at 6-something in the morning, the only other people there are older people walking their laps. However, this morning I was joined by four high-school age athletes.

As I puffed and panted through my second mile, I watched myself get lapped. Twice.

This kid had to be running a 5 minute mile.

His breathing was even. He barely looked phased by the two miles I watched him run.

And I had a choice.

I could either look at that kid, compare him to my own run, and be defeated.
Or, I could use him to challenge myself.

I chose the challenge.

I kept moving, and in my 45 minutes on the track this morning did almost 4 miles.

I have worked too hard to let a fleeting moment of feeling inadequate do me in.
Because I am not inadequate.
I am not any less than the 5 minute miler. Why? Because we are both working our bodies. We both woke up and, rather than staying in bed, got ourselves to do a workout. And just because he clearly moves faster does not mean I can go slower since I'll never catch him anyway.
That's an excuse. A small-minded justification to not push myself. And I refuse to give in.

Realistically, I doubt I'll ever run a five minute mile. Even in my best high school shape I couldn't do that.
But I can certainly work toward that number.

I can also choose to continue going and compare myself to my own numbers instead of someone else.



Saturday, June 14, 2014

Thinking Ahead

I stumbled across a blog post recently, about the general population's reaction to a "big family" (read: more than 2 kids). I was interested, and when I shared it a couple friends mentioned that it's accurate. 

People actually look at multiple kids and say things like, "You know how that happens, right?" to the parents.

Most public places seem to consider a family of more than four an inconvenience. 

I suppose it's good that I know this now, because 
I want a big family.

When I get pregnant again, and then hopefully again, it isn't going to be an accident. It won't be because I don't understand birth control or that I'm irresponsible. 

It's because I treasure my son, and I know that I am meant to be a mom to more than just him. 

And he is meant to be a big brother.

You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. Jace tries to leave me for bigger families. There are two at church he particularly goes for: one family is 2 boys and a girl, the other is 2 boys and 2 girls. He tries to disappear from my side to sneak in with their families, and it is absolutely because of the other little ones close to his age. 

Now, I'm not foolish enough to think that he won't change a bit when he gets a sibling that he has to be around all the time. And that he must share his toys with. 

But Jace will be a great big brother to his future siblings, and when Nathan and I pass away he will not be left alone to deal with the loss, he will have support in his siblings and hopefully in his own wife and little ones. 

I suppose I better start preparing my responses to the rude inquiries now because whether by giving birth or adopting, I plan to become the mother of a "big" family. I intend to embrace the chaos, the love, the inconvenience, and joy that will inevitably come my way. And I will accept every snarky comment that I will receive as well, because no matter what the current population's view of too many kids is, only I can determine what is too many for me. 


Monday, June 2, 2014

Things I learned in May

Linking up with Emily for this month's things I've learned!


1.) College Presidents can be cool, normal people too.
This month I went on my first business trip and spent a day and a half with the Presidents and Chief Academic Officers from the majority of the 35 colleges that my work is affiliated with. And I was actually able to enjoy having a conversation with them as  I would with a friend.

2.) I can't NOT lifeguard at the Berea Pool.
I've taken Jace twice this summer to swim and play.
I still tell kids to stop running, continuously scan the water, watch the guards, and remind myself once every 5 minutes that I'm not actually employed there.



What did you learn in May?