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Friday, February 5, 2016

Resentment

Everyone has an "Ah-hah" moment sometimes, something that just suddenly clicks. I had one this past weekend.

Since summer I've been slowly adding back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I try to get back into the swing of my workouts and calorie counts, and just can't seem to stick with it.

I have a million minor reasons: I'm stressed, I had to move, I started a new job and now another, etc. The list just goes on, and they all seem like legitimate reasons. But after spending time with family and all the babies, and after knowing I should have had the youngest baby in the room, something clicked.

I'm having a really hard time putting in the effort to take care of my body, because I am pissed at my body. 

It doesn't matter how many times someone tells me that it wasn't my fault, that my body did nothing wrong, I cannot stop myself from feeling that the blame for the death of my babies lies in me. Logic tells me otherwise, but emotions, oh emotions are fickle, relentless, and can run away at the drop of a hat.

So, how does that connect? Before and during both pregnancies I was taking excellent care of my body. I tracked every calorie, worked out 6 days a week, took vitamins daily, and did everything right to be at a healthy weight and be strong. I was taking good care of my body for the first time in my life in a consistent and conscientious way. And yet, despite that, the thing I wasn't ever able to imagine happening, happened to me twice. I am a woman, I have grown and birthed a baby before, and yet when I needed my healthier body to be there the most, it failed me.

Now, every time I want to get back into that mode,  when I want to look in the mirror and like what I see again, I cannot keep it up, and the underlying cause is this anger and resentment I am holding against myself.

So, it's time for me to deal with my emotions, to accept that even though I'm angry, my body is not what I should be angry at, and I need to take good care of it. I started the process this week, spending each morning at the gym, and treating my body in the good way it deserves. I still have emotions to work through,

So body, I am sorry for the way I've treated you and the resentment that I've unfairly held against you. Let's have a fresh start, and proper care. Love, me.