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Welcome to my little haven of creative writing, passionate ranting, and thoughtful learning.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Paczki, Ice Skating, and Horrible Children's Books [February Learning]

We're going to start with the same theme as last month. So how in February did I decide to stop accepting crap and demand something more? I put myself back on a schedule. Every workday this month I have shown up at the office between 6:00 and 6:30 am to go to the gym. On a good day, I do a 30 minute run followed by the weight room. On a "I'm not awake enough for this" day I do a 30+ minute jog/walk on the treadmill. At this stage, it isn't necessarily about the intensity of the workout so much as just doing the workout. By the end of the month I had started doing a couple of the classes offered: sculpting yoga and boot camp.

For my other learning:


1.) Ice Skating

I would like to preface this by saying, I never thought I was a good ice skater. Never. But Jace asked to go, he really wanted to do it, and so we went. If I thought I was bad before, I never dreamed how much worse I could be while trying to keep a three year old up on his own skates. By the end, I let him stand on a cone and just pushed him around the rink #momwin




2.) "The Gas We Pass"


This book is terrible. As is "Everyone Poops." I understand that to a 3 year old boy they're hilarious, but I hate reading them. The one (and I do mean only) saving grace is the diagram in "The Gas We Pass." I was able to use it to explain Nathan's surgeries in a visual way that Jace could understand. I thought it was great that he was able to tell dad that his boo-boo is because he doesn't have an intestine anymore. Nathan wasn't as impressed for some reason.




3.) Paczki

On Fat Tuesday the VP of the department showed up with ten dozen Paczki. Apparently they are a Polish pastry that are traditionally served on Fat Tuesday that are like a jelly-filled doughnut on steroids. They're also very delicious, and very many calories.



Thanks to Emily for hosting this link up over at Chatting at the Sky! So, what did you learn this month?


Sunday, February 21, 2016

Mom Moments (Part 4)

Jace is running around with a Nerf gun, and I tell him I don't have time to play right now, so he goes upstairs to the kitchen where everyone else is.
Jace: I don't know what mom's problem is.
Nathan: Mom's problem?
Jace: She won't play guns with me!


Grandpa made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.
Jace: MMMMM, you're a good cooker gwampa!


Me: I'm going to go shower, then we can get ready and go to the zoo!
Jace: Okay. Shower faster, okay?


Jace was playing with Aunt Moey's Wii Steering Wheel and dropped it.
Jace: Oh no, I made it angry Aunt Moey!

Tucking Jace into bed.
Me: I love you.
Jace: I love you too.
Me: I love you more.
Jace: I love you more.
Me: I love you mostest.
Jace: I love you... a lot!
Me: I love you times infinity!
Jace: Really? Just go out the door.


Sitting on the couch with his head on my belly.
Jace: What's that sound in your belly?
Me: Just belly noises.
Jace: No, but what's IN there mom?
Me: It's an elephant, okay?
Jace: No. You just have tigers in there.



Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Listening

I have a friend that has been repeating a mantra to me for the last several months. I call her when I'm upset, when I get more bad news, and when I just need to verbally process my life.

"Camille, He hears you, He sees you, He hasn't forgotten you and He loves you."

It's tough to remember that when something else bad always feels like it's happening. But I also can't ignore when it is so blatantly clear that He does. I was merely surviving at my last job, with inflexible hours, last minute overtime, and stress that I just couldn't handle. I prayed each morning on the way to work, "Please let me find somewhere new. Please let something change. Please see that I'm suffering."

And something did change, very quickly. I got into my new job, which ranks above Google on the Forbes list of best places to work. My drive to work went from 45+ minutes in rush hour, to about 25 minutes on back roads. I no longer feel too tired when I get home to do anything, and I no longer live for the weekends. I am told daily that I am appreciated, that I am doing good work, and reassured that I am valuable.

It was exactly the change I needed when I felt that everything was unbearable. And I have to be grateful, because this is a workplace and a job anyone would feel blessed to have, and to see such a physical manifestation of what I asked for is something I can't go without acknowledging.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Resentment

Everyone has an "Ah-hah" moment sometimes, something that just suddenly clicks. I had one this past weekend.

Since summer I've been slowly adding back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I try to get back into the swing of my workouts and calorie counts, and just can't seem to stick with it.

I have a million minor reasons: I'm stressed, I had to move, I started a new job and now another, etc. The list just goes on, and they all seem like legitimate reasons. But after spending time with family and all the babies, and after knowing I should have had the youngest baby in the room, something clicked.

I'm having a really hard time putting in the effort to take care of my body, because I am pissed at my body. 

It doesn't matter how many times someone tells me that it wasn't my fault, that my body did nothing wrong, I cannot stop myself from feeling that the blame for the death of my babies lies in me. Logic tells me otherwise, but emotions, oh emotions are fickle, relentless, and can run away at the drop of a hat.

So, how does that connect? Before and during both pregnancies I was taking excellent care of my body. I tracked every calorie, worked out 6 days a week, took vitamins daily, and did everything right to be at a healthy weight and be strong. I was taking good care of my body for the first time in my life in a consistent and conscientious way. And yet, despite that, the thing I wasn't ever able to imagine happening, happened to me twice. I am a woman, I have grown and birthed a baby before, and yet when I needed my healthier body to be there the most, it failed me.

Now, every time I want to get back into that mode,  when I want to look in the mirror and like what I see again, I cannot keep it up, and the underlying cause is this anger and resentment I am holding against myself.

So, it's time for me to deal with my emotions, to accept that even though I'm angry, my body is not what I should be angry at, and I need to take good care of it. I started the process this week, spending each morning at the gym, and treating my body in the good way it deserves. I still have emotions to work through,

So body, I am sorry for the way I've treated you and the resentment that I've unfairly held against you. Let's have a fresh start, and proper care. Love, me.