In Cleveland law office life link up monthly learning Things I Learned

Replaced, Quashed, Constructed (November Learning)

1.) A Motion to Quash is a real thing.

I started working in a law office at the end of last month. I do a lot of filing, phone answering, and typing, which means typing anything that is needed. Most of it seemed normal to me, but then I got to type a Motion to Quash. I seriously looked at the word over and over, certain I had to be reading it wrong, but in the legal work it exists!

2.) I'm not awful with construction.

Since moving in with my in-laws, we took on the task of making Jace his own room, which involved drywall, lots of mud, hours of painting, and adding flooring. While I didn't help with all aspects, I did assist with the mudding of the drywall, and though I wore quite a bit, I was overall not bad at it.

  3.) If you allow a three year old to choose the color of his new bedroom, assume it will be bright.

We told Jace he could pick whatever he wanted as a color for his room, and he said he wanted blue. While standing at Lowe's looking at the paint samples, he chooses Adriatic Azure. He loves it and that is what matters though, plus he had an excellent time getting it onto the walls.

4.) Being replaced (even when it's absolutely necessary) still hurts.

I've talked a lot about my job at the ACA. I loved it, I enjoyed the travel, the day to day aspect, the new building, and especially some of my coworkers. But when I had to leave (sadly, we couldn't find a way for me to do the job from 400 miles away) I knew they would have to hire someone to replace me. But when they did, I was shocked by how emotional I felt about it. On a logical level, I knew that it was a good thing and that they deserve to have someone handling the office aspects that I cared for, but to know someone else is now sitting at my desk just hurts.

Many thanks to Emily at Chatting at the Sky for her monthly "What I've Learned" linkups, and it's nice to be getting back into my writing and into the blogging world. Hopefully things will remain calm enough for me to stay!

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In mindfulness mindset thankfulness Thanksgiving

Being Grateful (when all you really want is to hide under the covers)

Thanksgiving was hard for me this year. I'm sure I'm not the only one, and I don't say that so everyone can go, "Oh poor baby, you have had a really rough year."

But the Thanksgiving's of my childhood were always so happy. The grandparents came over, mom cooked a huge feast, I read whatever book I was obsessed with and, when I was old enough to drive, my sister and I would make a master plan to be at JCPenny's at 4 a.m. Black Friday when they opened to get our free snow globe and take on all the stores from there.

It wasn't much, but the predictability was perfect, and I was extremely thankful. I was thankful for my home, my friends, my family, good food, and peace. This year I've realized that I still have friends and family, and I still have much to be thankful for, but the reason I want to withdraw, the reason I'd like to hide under the covers, is because I don't have much peace.

These holidays are being overshadowed with who is missing. December 10th will be ten years since my papa passed away, ten years of holidays without him when holidays were his time of year. These holidays will be my first without the babies I thought I was going to have, the ones that I'm still accepting were real and gone before I ever got to feel a kick. Those losses, they unsettle my peace. They unsettle me.

So trying to be thankful, trying to be in the holiday spirit this year, is challenging.

However, I know I still have so much to be grateful for, so to ground myself, and to offset my lack of peace, I need to remind myself of the good things that are in my life, and that deserve to be appreciated.

1.) Jace Alexander. He's willful, intelligent, creative, compassionate, inquisitive, and his smile melts me every time. Even if he is the only baby I ever meet on earth, I am still luckier than I deserve to have him.

2.) The security of a job. It's not my favorite, but it is a steady paycheck, teaches me new (and old) skills, and has hours that are regular and make it easier for me to plan things out.

3.) Family. Family that have taken in my family when living on our own wasn't a possibility. Family that have responded to texts when I am uncertain of my next move, that have sat in waiting rooms with me until past midnight waiting for my husband to get out of surgery, and that have done what they can to help us through the rough year.

4.) Friends. Without my friends I guarantee you that I would not still be around to post this. My people have been the ones to keep me sane, and to continue standing beside me when I am insane. They have opened their homes to me, they have done more for me than I ever thought I deserved, and even when I was barely functional in my depression, or lashing out at everyone in anger, they still show me support and love.

5.) God. Though I may not understand this plan, and I may not understand why anything has happened, I know without a doubt that I am a child of God, and it is not up to me to understand everything, but I can trust that I am in the hands of someone that does know and does understand. And that even when I am furious and angry, when I am childish, and even when I am running away, I am loved.

These things, these relationships and securities, they are what ground me when I start to drown in the losses. When I feel uncertain, I remember what I am certain of, and those are what I feel grateful for.

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In 3 year old life cute sayings humor Jace Jace quotes kids say toddler

Mom Moments (Part 3)

Jace and I are walking Luna.
Me: Luna Lynn, stop pulling at me!
Jace: Luna in?
Me: No, Luna Lynn. Just like you're Jace Alexander, it's her middle name.
Jace: *Pauses* No, him Luna Alexander!

Me: Okay, bathtime!
Jace: I not dirty, I don't need bath!
Me: You are dirty. Bathtime.
Jace: I don't like bathtime.
Me: Like it or not you still have to bath.
Jace: Oh.

Me: Do you miss Clay?
Jace: Yeah, I miss Clay.
Me: And Miss Gabby?
Jace: Yeah... what her name?
Me: Her name? It's Miss Gabby.
Jace: No, her name!
Me: Clay's mommy?
Jace: Ohhhh, Miss Gabby is like Camille!

Jace got to pick the paint for his new bedroom, and he picked a very bright almost aquarium blue. 
Me: Jace, is this a light blue or a dark blue room?
Jace: Hmm, light blue. *goes over and turns off light* Now it's dark blue mom!

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In healing help life miscarriage


Two weeks ago was my due date. Baby Emmeline Faith or Cade Atticus was set to arrive, to be with our family for all the holidays. It's tough to write that, and hard to wrap my mind around.

This past year has been one of the hardest of my life. Last Halloween, I miscarried for the first time. I miscarried again in April. I was diagnosed with a combination of situational and post-partum depression. Nathan needed surgery, finances got to be impossible, and I had  to move away from home. When I look at my life last October, I can't recognize what has become of it now.

It's impossible to think about my life right now and not think about everything that I have lost. But slowly, I am fighting to regain my sense of self and control of my life. While I cannot say my life is currently ideal, I am morning by morning beginning to tell myself to find one thing that is good and focus on it.

Last weekend I went back to my Kentucky home for the weekend. I saw my friends, my people, and visiting the cemetery where my baby was laid to rest in May. And it was the most healing thing I could have done.

The decision to move came quickly. Everything bad that happened the past year seemed to happen in a rush: once the ultrasounds revealed that my babies were no longer viable, it was quickly time for surgery. Then quickly time to go back to work. Too quickly it felt like it was time to stop bringing it up over and over, because we are still not a culture that knows how to respond to miscarriage.

When it was time for Nathan's surgery it went from an overnight hospital visit, to a year-long ongoing endeavor that has altered our relationship and our lives.

And when the options were gone and the only viable option was to move back to Ohio, the four weeks passed in a blur. I sold all of Jace's baby things, got rid of everything that I didn't have space or desire to move, and tried to say my goodbye's to my home.

Going back last weekend gave me time to myself in the place I identify as home, time that was spent in self-reflection, in prayer, and in healing. On Sunday I went to my home church to hear a sermon that felt as though it may have been written specifically to reach me. It was directed at those who are "going through" and reminded me that this season, this year, no matter how horrible it has been to me, is a temporary season. That the point of going through, is that eventually, you get through.

So I'm not going to pretend I have it all figured out. I'll easily admit that there are mornings I wake up dealing so poorly with depression that getting out of bed feels physically impossible. There are moments I close my eyes and curse at God for this happening. For my babies, for my mental health, for what I envisioned in life. But little by little I am healing, I am accepting what has happened, and I know that I have no choice but to get stronger as this season rages on.

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