In loss miscarriage one in four pregnancy

My First Miscarriage

October 15th is recognized worldwide as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

This month I'm also three years out from my first loss.

It's interesting, but of all the things I've posted about, I've never told the stories on here. I've never penned the story of  when I learned they were gone. They're painful stories, but they're part of my story.

On October 28th, 2014, I had scheduled my first doctor appointment for my second pregnancy. I was just over 6 weeks along, and went into the office without a care in the world. We'd already taken pictures to announce the pregnancy and announce Jace as big brother.

They weighed me, measured me, took my blood pressure, then took me back to the ultrasound room, and began to do the ultrasound.

She pointed out the uterus, and kept moving the wand, but wasn't saying anything else. She couldn't find anything. She asked if I was sure about the date of my last period, and I was, I knew without a doubt because I had been doing all the tracking that comes with trying. She double checked the results of the urine test, which showed that I was pregnant. And then she sent me for blood work, and an appointment for two days later to redraw the blood and see what the results showed.

I texted my mom as I walked to the lab for a blood draw, sent a text apologizing to Sarah (who was babysitting Jace) for taking longer than expected at the doctor, and when they were done with me at the hospital, I drove to Sarah's. I picked up Jace and drove straight to Gabby's house, knocking at her door with Jace on my hip, no warning whatsoever. Jace and I stayed with her that evening, since Nathan was at work, and when he got a break and could call I stood out on her front porch sharing the update with him.

It was a blurry day in between, and when I went back in on Thursday they did the blood work first and then I had to wait to see the doctor.

When the nurse took me back she weighed me and said something that I can't recall, but I responded and said "I just did more blood work to see what my HCG levels went up or down." She looked at me and said, "Oh honey, they went down, you've definitely lost the pregnancy."

I was led into a room and sat down to wait for the doctor, holding in tears because I don't like to cry in front of other people, especially strangers. The doctor sat down and told me that my HCG level had dropped, but not dropped as rapidly as was typical, based on that and on the ultrasound there was a chance that the pregnancy was ectopic, so I had two options.

I could do an exploratory laparotomy, if the pregnancy was ectopic they would remove it and the fallopian tube it was in, and perform a D&C if it wasn't. The other option was to continue coming in for blood work and monitoring because if it was ectopic I would end up coming in through the ER. I opted for the first and was told to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 am the next morning, Halloween.

I remember Seth coming to the hospital to sit with Nathan while I went into surgery. I remember the ride home being too bumpy and full of tears. And I remember my parents arriving to help take care of me, and laying on the couch watching The Goldbergs with my dad while my mom and Nathan took Jace out to trick or treat.

It's been three years, and it still hurts. I still mourn and look at the scars on my abdomen that remind me that it really happened. I say it quite a bit, but the pain never goes away, it just becomes more livable.

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In 2017 Flourish books Joy love things I'm loving

Things I'm Loving {October '17}

October is flying by, but despite its speed I've found a lot to love! If you're a fellow blogger, please link up with a post of what you're loving!

1.) Kathy Harrison

Kathy Harrison is an author and a foster mom, and I've now devoured two of her books. She has an easy to read writing style, with compelling stories to share.

2.) Rewatching Stranger Things

Season 2 comes to Netflix on October 27th, and I wanted to be prepared.

Dustin Henderson: Did you ever think maybe Will went missing because he ran into something bad? And we're going to the exact same spot where he was last seen? And we have no weapons or anything?
Mike Wheeler: Dustin shut up…
Dustin Henderson: I'm just saying: does that seem smart to you?

3.) Mom time

With my mom! Seriously, this amazing woman came up on October 4th and is going home tomorrow. She's been here to babysit while Nathan and I take the majority of our foster care training classes. In addition to not having to worry about finding childcare, she cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked dinner every night, baked cookies and other desserts, washed dishes, sewed a draft stopper to put in front of the front door, cut and dyed my hair, did a couple sewing projects I hadn't had time to do, and otherwise just made my life so much easier.

4.) Foster care training

The 6 hour Saturday classes are long, but still very captivating. With each class and each grain of new information I get, the more convinced I feel that I was made to do this. I was absolutely designed to open my home to children, to show them stability, and to love them entirely knowing that they may go home to their parents.

5.)  Bangs! 

I brought back my bangs, one of my favorite hairstyles from the last few years. Hopefully this time I can keep up with them!.

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In adventure Cleveland Elyria Local Love

Local Love: Brasee's Corn Maze {October '17}

It's fall, which means pumpkin everything, colorful leaves, cooler weather, and Halloween!

This is the second year we've headed to Brasee's for our pumpkin picking, hay riding, getting lost in a corn maze adventures. Our church introduced it last year, and Jace and I absolutely loved it, it issuch a fun way to spend an afternoon!

The corn maze in pretty intense, Jace and I usually end up pretty lost, but that's what happens when you let a 5 year old choose which direction you take. There are "Stamp Stations" out in the maze, and if you find them all and turn your card back in you get a candy treat. We did not find them all, in fact despite spending almost an hour in the maze, we only found one!

In addition to the maze, there are other fun things to do, including a mini hay bale maze for the little kids, and inside the barn hay bale maze that you crawl through in the complete darkness, pumpkin bowling, a bounce house, and a little petting zoo of animals. 

Pertinent Information:

Open Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Kids 4 and under free with an adult admission
Kids 5 and up to adult are $6
Seniors (65+) are $5

Hay rides are available for an additional $2 ticket.

Credit cards are accepted as well as cash

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In changes Friendship growing up

When I Stopped Talking to My Best Friend

A friendship ended a few months ago. Over a boy, some miscommunication, and honestly I believe just some growing apart.

But interestingly, when that happened, other things in my life began to change.

Usually at work, I texted/messaged her throughout the day. Letting her know the little day to day details. But when I didn't have her to talk to anymore, I started connecting more with my coworkers and my husband. Instead of the hours of energy invested in those conversations, that energy moved to finding and building new relationships with others.

And it had an extremely positive impact on my life. I started going out for lunches with my coworkers on a semi-regular basis, learning more about their lives enjoying spending time with them, making working with them more joyous.

Not having her to make plans with, which honestly had happened long before the friendship ended, changed some of my habits in my personal time as well.

I didn't get to meet up for happy hour any more, or invite her along on outings, but I was then prompted to start making plans with others and to be more content doing things just me and Jace.
I started texting my mom more regularly, keeping up with what was happening with her and my dad in Florida. And I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by beginning to teach a dance class every week. I took the first steps to becoming a foster parent. I became an official member of my church, rather than just an attender and began planning events for other mom friends and kiddos.

It's amazing the changes that one person can make in your life, negative or positive. This was not a bad person, I genuinely still wish her nothing but the best in life, but it's been shown that you become like the people you spend the most time with, and I want to aspire to more.

I want to be optimistic, not stuck in a rut of complaints about work and relationship drama. I want to be a social justice warrior, a person who teaches her son what is right, and above all someone that puts my family first.

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