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Welcome to my little haven of creative writing, passionate ranting, and thoughtful learning.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Ohio Winters, New Tattoos and Kyrgyzstan [April Learning]

Here's what I learned in April!

To start, what was my "demanding more?" Getting help. Instead of continuing to be a victim of my depression, I finally got the help I needed in the form of an anti-depressant that finally has me feeling like myself again. I'm not 100% yet, and I know this is something I will have to continue to persevere through, but instead of feeling defeated, I'm finally standing up to my depression.

1.) I did not miss Ohio winter.

After 7 warm spring beginnings in Kentucky, I did not miss Ohio's weather mood swings. It snowed the first weekend in April. SNOWED. I watched my Kentucky people post pictures of their kids in shorts and all the blooms on the trees, while I watched a blizzard happen here.

2.) My pain tolerance has improved.

I got my third tattoo this month, in memory of my babies in heaven. I hadn't gotten a tattoo in six years, but I remembered it being painful in a bearable way. This time I felt discomfort, but not pain. There were specific spots that the pressure would hurt, but it wasn't the pain I remembered. So now I'm planning my next one.



3.) Kyrgyzstan is a country.

And apparently my work does some business there as it came up in a meeting. Now I'm not a huge geography buff, but I tend to think I have a pretty good understanding of countries around the world, and I had never heard of this place.


Thanks to Emily for hosting this linkup!

What did you learn in April?

Friday, April 22, 2016

Mom Moments (Part 5)

I first started writing these cute moment posts when Jace was 2, and now he's my four year old big boy, and still saying crazy things that make me smile.

Jace: Hey, my pizza is like a triangle!
Grandma: Yes, it is.
Jace: Yep. I'm a good shaper.
Grandma: *Stifles laugh* Yes, you are buddy.


Jace: Hey mom, is it sunny or moony outside?
Me: Moony?
Jace: Yeah, is it sunny or moony?
Me: Well, it's nighttime, so I guess it's moony.


*Playing soccer in the backyard*
Jace: I'm gonna win! *Kicks ball toward my goal*
Me: Then why are you helping me score?
Jace: Oh man, that's silly.


Grandma: Can I have the jellybeans Jace?
Jace: Yeah *Grabs bowl from counter*
Grandma: What flavor are they?
Jace: Sugar.

*Playing soccer with Uncle Brendan and Brendan steals the ball away*
Jace: You're a peanut butter face!

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Outpouring

In my last post, I admitted my struggle with depression. My need to be honest about it is just part of my personality, and something I felt that those who regularly read my blog deserved to know.

What I did not anticipate was the outpouring that following. The private messages that shared struggles with depression, with bipolar and with suicide. The ones that said "I'm proud of you for fighting because I've lived that struggle." One of my biggest side effects with depression was the self-isolation. It's a common symptom and it makes it worse. But knowing that in the community I've found and created I'm not alone, and I'm not alone in struggling gives me strength.

I've seen the doctor since my last post and the medication is helping. I'd forgotten what it was like to have energy and optimism. I'd honestly not realized how long or how hard I'd been fighting this, and to now have the ability to focus my time and energy on Jace, on working out, and on making plans with my friends has been an unbelievable relief and joy.

It's freeing to be real, to be honest and to not pretend I have it together. Thanks for letting me be me dear friends.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Behind Facebook

I'm pretty active on social media: I post pictures, funny Jace quotes, and check most of my social media daily. But if you look at my posts from the last couple weeks, you're not even getting half of the story.

Last May I was diagnosed with depression. I've been struggling with it ever since. But we don't exist in a culture that discusses mental illness. Instead, we brush it aside, assume it isn't as bad as someone with a physical illness, and we don't invite the conversation.

So when I posted a cute picture from my birthday, would you ever have guessed that the same night I dreamed of death? That within the week I would have a suicide plan? That the only reason I could not and will not ever go through with it is because of my son. Because I cannot and will not leave him; I will not make him endure the pain of his mom leaving him.


I didn't understand depression when I was younger. I thought it was just being in a funk, being sad. You fixed it by going out with your friends, looking at the bright side, and changing whatever situation caused it.

I did not understand what it actually was until I began living it. I didn't understand that there's not a fixable "why." That I can wake up battling depression even though by all accounts nothing is "wrong." There are mornings that I feel like I've climbed a mountain just to get out of bed and dressed.

Help has been sought, I saw a therapist and have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I understand that this behavior is not normal and that these thoughts are not healthy. I accept that I am not at fault for having depression, but that I would be at fault if I did not seek help.

But this isn't the type of thing you post on Facebook. If you do you're just asking for attention and being self-pitying. A trademark symptom of depression is self-isolation, and our culture just encourages it. 18% of the population has an anxiety or depressive disorder. It's common, and it is hard to live. So I'm breaking my silence. I am struggling through depression, I am seeking help, and I am human who is tired of pretending that everything is just fine when it clearly is not.