Five Year Anniversary
Transparency
is important to me on this blog. If I'm going to write, I need to be able to do
so honestly, which is why this blog has seen my reactions to some of the most
challenging moments in my life.
I've
used this avenue to share the loss of my babies and remember them, to share my
struggles with depression, and to write very honestly about my life. On this
blog, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, and so this anniversary, I need to
be honest.
In
October 2015, when we moved away from Kentucky, we were very seriously
considering separation. I was overwhelmed and felt as though I didn't have a
husband, I had an additional responsibility while I did it all. Those feelings
of resentment and anger drove a deep wedge into our relationship.
I
sought counsel in trusted friends and in our pastors, and after moving away
from home, we began weekly marriage counseling.
It
was hard. There were many, many moments of thinking it would be easier for all
of us for me to leave. There were many tears, many hurtful words, and a lot of
moments spent wondering why we got married to begin with.
Change
came very slowly, almost painfully. We each had to reflect on our own issues,
and even once the changes started to come about, then came the challenge of
finding out if there were feelings left for each other underneath the rubble of
the last year.
There
were. Nathan had not faltered in telling me that he loved me, he loved me even
when he hated me. And as we worked together, I found the feelings that brought
us together to begin with. I loved him, and as we celebrate five years of
marriage, I wanted to share some of the lessons I've learned.
1.) Use Perspective in Arguments.
We
were hit with a game changing perspective earlier this year. Nathan has Primary
Scholarosing Cholangitis, which means that eventually his liver will fail.
Right now, he's having no symptoms and is unaffected, but the reality of this
disease is that it will end with him needing a liver transplant. As morbid as
it may be, I sometimes need to remind myself that my time with him is limited,
and if in 20 years in the hospital I'm not going to care about the clothes that
have yet again not made it to the hamper, then it's worth mentioning, but not
worth a fight.
2.) Have Friends to Tell the Good (not just the bad).
I've
always had two people that I call when things went wrong. When I was
frustrated, or when we fought, or when I felt disrespected and unappreciated.
Two people knew the details of my struggles in marriage. But when it finally
started, a little bit at a time, to improve, I had to remember to tell my
friends when things were going well. I had to make an effort to praise him to
my friends, and after months of sharing nothing but negative details, they were
still my cheerleaders. I needed their encouragement to persevere, and I know
the outcome would have been starkly different without the friends that
supported me in marriage counseling.
3,) Communicate
I
had to learn that saying I was mad he didn't unload the dishwasher wasn't
saying what the issue really was. To him, unloading the dishwasher is a tiny
thing, and not anything to have such a fight about. But what I was really
saying was that not doing what I asked was feeling like disrespect to me. It
wasn't solely about the dishes, it was about me feeling that what I said and
asked for wasn't being heard or treated with any importance. I had to explain
that to him, I had to communicate and explain why the dishwasher isn't really
the dishwasher. There were several little things like this, where it was simply miscommunication.
4.) Remember your Connections
Nathan
and I bonded over a love of musicals and theater, over fandoms like Harry
Potter, over a strong yearning to travel. Remembering that as we went to see
Phantom of the Opera for the second time, and Finding Neverland for the first,
brought back a lot of those feelings that showed up in the early nights of
watching Finding Nemo in my dorm before our first kiss. I remembered that when
I experience a new city, I want him to be beside me exploring it too. I need
him in my life to be able to quote from Disney, Harry Potter, and Gilmore
Girls and have him understand me. I love that he gets me, that my dancing
around the kitchen to the soundtrack from Moana is endearing to him.
5.) Be in Love
I've
noticed before that I have about an equal number of divorced friends and
married friends. I have friends on their second marriage, or third relationship
post-divorce. I hear the stories about how after years, he cheated, or she just
left, so don't think it's going to be forever. Be prepared to be on your own.
But that doesn’t help. Spending each day thinking about how the debts and vehicles would get split up and what custody would look like doesn't allow you to be in love with the person you'd be sharing custody with. While in the back of my mind, I have preparations, I have to focus on being with Nathan. I have to focus on him holding my hand when we drive to dinner, on imagining us being middle aged exploring Cairo, and thinking about the future.
But that doesn’t help. Spending each day thinking about how the debts and vehicles would get split up and what custody would look like doesn't allow you to be in love with the person you'd be sharing custody with. While in the back of my mind, I have preparations, I have to focus on being with Nathan. I have to focus on him holding my hand when we drive to dinner, on imagining us being middle aged exploring Cairo, and thinking about the future.
Five
years of marriage, and seven total years together. On the 5th wedding
anniversary we're officially no longer considered newlyweds, and I'd have to
agree. I'm a lucky woman to be loved by a man who has never faltered in his
love for me, who kept fighting when the easiest option would have been to
simply quit, and who I have shared and will continue to have so many adventures
with. Nathan has supported me in grief and financial hardship, he has loved me
when I felt utterly unlovable in depression. He is my other half, and I look
forward to what our next five years will hold.
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