My First Miscarriage
October 15th is recognized worldwide as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
This month I'm also three years out from my first loss.
It's interesting, but of all the things I've posted about, I've never told the stories on here. I've never penned the story of when I learned they were gone. They're painful stories, but they're part of my story.
On October 28th, 2014, I had scheduled my first doctor appointment for my second pregnancy. I was just over 6 weeks along, and went into the office without a care in the world. We'd already taken pictures to announce the pregnancy and announce Jace as big brother.
They weighed me, measured me, took my blood pressure, then took me back to the ultrasound room, and began to do the ultrasound.
She pointed out the uterus, and kept moving the wand, but wasn't saying anything else. She couldn't find anything. She asked if I was sure about the date of my last period, and I was, I knew without a doubt because I had been doing all the tracking that comes with trying. She double checked the results of the urine test, which showed that I was pregnant. And then she sent me for blood work, and an appointment for two days later to redraw the blood and see what the results showed.
I texted my mom as I walked to the lab for a blood draw, sent a text apologizing to Sarah (who was babysitting Jace) for taking longer than expected at the doctor, and when they were done with me at the hospital, I drove to Sarah's. I picked up Jace and drove straight to Gabby's house, knocking at her door with Jace on my hip, no warning whatsoever. Jace and I stayed with her that evening, since Nathan was at work, and when he got a break and could call I stood out on her front porch sharing the update with him.
It was a blurry day in between, and when I went back in on Thursday they did the blood work first and then I had to wait to see the doctor.
When the nurse took me back she weighed me and said something that I can't recall, but I responded and said "I just did more blood work to see what my HCG levels went up or down." She looked at me and said, "Oh honey, they went down, you've definitely lost the pregnancy."
I was led into a room and sat down to wait for the doctor, holding in tears because I don't like to cry in front of other people, especially strangers. The doctor sat down and told me that my HCG level had dropped, but not dropped as rapidly as was typical, based on that and on the ultrasound there was a chance that the pregnancy was ectopic, so I had two options.
I could do an exploratory laparotomy, if the pregnancy was ectopic they would remove it and the fallopian tube it was in, and perform a D&C if it wasn't. The other option was to continue coming in for blood work and monitoring because if it was ectopic I would end up coming in through the ER. I opted for the first and was told to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 am the next morning, Halloween.
I remember Seth coming to the hospital to sit with Nathan while I went into surgery. I remember the ride home being too bumpy and full of tears. And I remember my parents arriving to help take care of me, and laying on the couch watching The Goldbergs with my dad while my mom and Nathan took Jace out to trick or treat.
It's been three years, and it still hurts. I still mourn and look at the scars on my abdomen that remind me that it really happened. I say it quite a bit, but the pain never goes away, it just becomes more livable.
This month I'm also three years out from my first loss.
It's interesting, but of all the things I've posted about, I've never told the stories on here. I've never penned the story of when I learned they were gone. They're painful stories, but they're part of my story.
On October 28th, 2014, I had scheduled my first doctor appointment for my second pregnancy. I was just over 6 weeks along, and went into the office without a care in the world. We'd already taken pictures to announce the pregnancy and announce Jace as big brother.
They weighed me, measured me, took my blood pressure, then took me back to the ultrasound room, and began to do the ultrasound.
She pointed out the uterus, and kept moving the wand, but wasn't saying anything else. She couldn't find anything. She asked if I was sure about the date of my last period, and I was, I knew without a doubt because I had been doing all the tracking that comes with trying. She double checked the results of the urine test, which showed that I was pregnant. And then she sent me for blood work, and an appointment for two days later to redraw the blood and see what the results showed.
I texted my mom as I walked to the lab for a blood draw, sent a text apologizing to Sarah (who was babysitting Jace) for taking longer than expected at the doctor, and when they were done with me at the hospital, I drove to Sarah's. I picked up Jace and drove straight to Gabby's house, knocking at her door with Jace on my hip, no warning whatsoever. Jace and I stayed with her that evening, since Nathan was at work, and when he got a break and could call I stood out on her front porch sharing the update with him.
It was a blurry day in between, and when I went back in on Thursday they did the blood work first and then I had to wait to see the doctor.
When the nurse took me back she weighed me and said something that I can't recall, but I responded and said "I just did more blood work to see what my HCG levels went up or down." She looked at me and said, "Oh honey, they went down, you've definitely lost the pregnancy."
I was led into a room and sat down to wait for the doctor, holding in tears because I don't like to cry in front of other people, especially strangers. The doctor sat down and told me that my HCG level had dropped, but not dropped as rapidly as was typical, based on that and on the ultrasound there was a chance that the pregnancy was ectopic, so I had two options.
I could do an exploratory laparotomy, if the pregnancy was ectopic they would remove it and the fallopian tube it was in, and perform a D&C if it wasn't. The other option was to continue coming in for blood work and monitoring because if it was ectopic I would end up coming in through the ER. I opted for the first and was told to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 am the next morning, Halloween.
I remember Seth coming to the hospital to sit with Nathan while I went into surgery. I remember the ride home being too bumpy and full of tears. And I remember my parents arriving to help take care of me, and laying on the couch watching The Goldbergs with my dad while my mom and Nathan took Jace out to trick or treat.
It's been three years, and it still hurts. I still mourn and look at the scars on my abdomen that remind me that it really happened. I say it quite a bit, but the pain never goes away, it just becomes more livable.
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